The Spirit World

[Editor’s note: “Whisky” refers to product from Scotland, while “whiskey” is the spelling used for Irish and American products.]

I knew I was in trouble when the bartender at the Edinburgh Sheraton asked me which brand of single-malt Scotch whisky I wanted.

“Uhhh…how about that famous one. You know. ‘Glen something-or-another.’”

He eyed me with one of those “Braveheart disemboweling a Brit” looks, and then handed me a cocktail menu. The bar offered 207,856 brands of whisky—of which, 207,013 had names containing the word “Glen.”

“Right!” I said. “A Guinness will be fine.” And then I slithered off to hide behind a large fern.

Single-malt Scotch whiskies can be intimidating. So many distilleries from so many regions…and they all have names that are so difficult to pronounce. The intimidation is compounded by the fact that whisky drinkers are often a pretentious lot.

But fear not, because The Spirit World and I are here to help. When you pare-away all the nonsense and gobbledegook, you’ll find that the whisky world really isn’t THAT complicated. Quite honestly, you only need a few key bits of knowledge in order to begin a confident exploration of Scotland’s greatest gift to mankind. So let’s spend the next five minutes learning those key bits, shall we?

Scotch whiskies can be broken into four main regions—each having its own identifiable characteristics. Those regions are the following:

Islay (pronounced EYE-la):
Islays are to whisky, what Carolina BBQ is to pork. They have a big, smokey, peaty nose, and notes of salt, seaweed, iodine and (as some claim) moss, tar and spice. You’ll need only one sniff to recognize an Islay. These are for people who like their whiskies big, smokey and full of chest-hair. Examples include Laphroaig, Bowmore and Auld Reekie.

Lowlands:
Lowlands have a light taste and a gentle, grassy nose. They are peaty, but typically have a dry finish. Some people drink Lowlands as an aperitif. Examples include Glenkinchie, Glen Flagler and Bladnoch.

Speyside:
Speysides are sweet whiskies with little peaty character. Many folk liken their aroma to that of nail-polish remover…albeit with floral undertones. Yet despite this less-than-flattering description, Speysides are wildly popular throughout the world. Speyside lays claim to half of Scotland’s distilleries, and many of the world’s most recognizable brands. Examples include Glenfiddich, The Glenlivet, The Macallan and Spain’s favorite single-malt whisky…Cardhu.

Highlands:
As luck would have it, most experts break the Highlands into four subregions. North Highlands whiskies tend to be light-bodied and delicate, with complex aromas, a dry finish and low to moderate smokiness. Central Highlands are light-bodied and sweeter (although not as sweet as Speysides), with floral aromas and a dry finish. East Highlands whiskies are smooth, medium-bodied, malty, slightly sweet/smoky and have a dry finish. And finally…West Highlands whiskies have some peat and smoke, with a sweet start and a dry, peppery finish. Examples include Dalmore, Glenmorangie and Oban.

Still confused? Well then…let’s whittle it down to the bone. Just memorize the following, and you’ll do fine during your next brush with a snooty colleague or bartender.

• Islay: Smmmokin’!!!
• Lowlands: Light, dry and aperitif-like.
• Speyside: Sweet, little peat and nail-polish.
• Highlands: If none of the former three regions grab you, then start poking around the Highlands and you’ll eventually find something to like.

As a final note, let me tell you how (in my experience) whisky is served in Scotland. It comes at room temperature, neat, and in a wide-rimmed glass. The quantity is no more than “two fingers.” If you want to dilute it, then ask for a glass of water on the side to use as a chaser. As the old saying goes, “Scotch and water on the rocks ruins the whisky twice.”

And that, my friends, is all you need to know about single-malt Scotch whiskies.

Now, go forth and fortify!